Believe

I just looked up my last set of grades from school.  Straight A's.  I have made straight A's since the  third semester in school.  The first two I had to relearn how to take test and Math!  Still B's.  Come on! I have a love hate relationship with math.  Even though I have been on the dean's list for all of these months I do not consider myself really smart.  Maybe because I am around extremely smart people and I tend to measure myself against the highest mark.  Self defeating and always works to my disadvantage.  I have trouble studying because of the concentration part.  I seem to think hundreds of thoughts a minute.  I can go from one subject to the next in a matter of seconds.  Is everyone like that?  I know I am capable.  I just don't have that self confidence at all times.  Who does?  I did not do very well in high school.  Many varying circumstances involved there.  Was I capable?  Not at that time.  This time however, I applied myself and my environment oozed study time, discipline and focus.  I still look at myself as if I made it on accident.  I even give the credit to friends who helped in class.  Isn't that called a study buddy?  I loved the act of going to school.  I love the feel of a campus.  Well the Chef's Academy was a little different set up than a typical campus.  I have considered going back to IUPUI and finishing my degree from there.  Do I really need two degrees?  Will that prove to myself that I am smart enough? Or do I really just like going to school?  Can I just "believe" enough to settle into where I am and not where I want to be?  Or think where I should be?  Believe is the word a friend of mine gave me when I finished my book classes.  I believe in everyone else and their abilities.  I am the world's best cheerleader for others.  When will I cheer for myself?  I know I have it in me.  I know I am worthy.  I know I am capable.  When will I just truly believe.  This is a matter very deep within.  I have hope that it will bubble out and not become a part of who I am forever.  I feel it rising in my chest every time I write.  I do "believe" that it will slowly but surely seep out to never return again.  I wait with anticipation as this is beginning to happen.  I "believe" it will:)